LakataD

David Lakata The Homer of All Time On this particular day, the hero of our tale—a young swift-footed man, whose stature frightened the bravest of mortals, and whose strength surpassed even that of several gods—stood before a giant. This towering beast stood fifteen feet tall and made our hero appear minuscule. The giant guarded the bridge to the forests of Cooperstown with a sword and shield. This did not deter our champion, who boldly proclaimed: “Let me pass, you red-eared monster! For I am Homer the Slugger, son of the Iron Horse, who ruled these lands, and I shall not retreat!” To couple these words with a life-ending blow, Homer drew his sword. The giant peered down at this show of bravado, and shook his head. “You may pass, but only after you have told me why you must.” “I have seen many things in my travels, and I do not want bloodshed to be one. For this reason, I shall spare your life. However, my story is long, but I must be brief. Do not interrupt me, or else my thirst for blood may be rekindled.” Homer sat down, and the giant remained standing. He had begun his quest, Homer said, after his lucky baseball bat cracked. It was the bat that had defeated the greats, had instilled fear in amateurs, and had created jealousy among friends. Many careers, and several lives, had been cut short by this bat’s strength. When it splintered, Homer mourned for seven days and seven nights. He prayed during every waking hour, until his prayers were answered. The great Bambino came down from the heavens, and told Homer how to make a perfect bat. This bat would be unbreakable and would make baseballs split after a single hit. Bambino intoned, “The baseball-splitting bat is made of wood from the forests of Cooperstown. The wood is cut quickly and laid to rest under the sun and rains for a fortnight. The barrel shall be 2.75 inches in diameter, and the length of the bat shall be forty inches. The bat will sit in the finest wines for three days and three nights. Then, the bat will be ready to conquer opponents.” Homer inquired where he may find Cooperstown, and was directed to Beantown, a city nearly a thousand miles away. The Bambino said to find a wise man by the name of Joltin’ Joe. With this advice, Homer set out for Beantown, and when he arrived, was introduced to the Sultan of Swat. The face seemed familiar to Homer, but before he could make a connection, the Sultan demanded, “Who are you, and why should you enter Beantown?” Homer recounted his story, and the same-faced Sultan responded: “If you can throw this baseball further than I can, you shall enter.” Homer agreed, and let the Sultan throw first. The ball traveled a mile before finally rolling to a stop. Homer asked to use the same ball, and the Sultan consented. Homer dropped another ball behind him, and then ran to get the other ball. He pretended to throw the ball, and then exclaimed, “I have thrown it back to you, and further. You must now let me enter.” The Sultan of Swat, now thoroughly confused, agreed to let him pass. In the city, Homer found the all-knowing Joltin’ Joe. He was aptly named, for he could not talk very smoothly. Joltin’ Joe told Homer, “You must—walk north for—100 miles—and then you—can find the—famed city—of Coopers—town.” Homer pressed him for details, but Joltin’ Joe had left and gone away. Nevertheless, Homer was able to find his way, after a week, to the fabled Cooperstown. “And that is why I must cross this bridge!” Homer exclaimed. The giant decided that our hero had suffered enough, and let him over the bridge. It was not long before Homer found the wood, prepared it, and created his bat. He became invincible, and his name was known far and wide. Many opponents came to challenge him, but none succeeded. Homer the Slugger was the best batsman who ever walked this earth. = **David Lakata** =